CIP Student Gets Left Behind in France, “Goes Full Home Alone”
Photo from Flickr
Centenary in Paris, the most popular of Centenary traditions, just finished up the program’s 2022 trip with enthusiasm. New Centenary students were given the opportunity to explore the streets of Paris, undoubtedly making lifelong bonds with their peers and procrastinating their assignments in equal measures. Evidently, though, someone was a little too excited to be there, as the obligatory head count in the Jackson parking lot revealed that a student was left behind in Paris.
“I dislike the use of the phrase ‘left behind,’” Dean Mark Miller said when asked for comment. He fumbled with his constantly pinging cell phone and added, “I think a more productive wording would be ‘eager to continue their learning journey in another country.’”
Regardless, while the rest of the class of 2026 returned to the States, one student stayed in Europe. Jetlagged returning students, caught briefly before continuing their zombie-like trudge to their dorm rooms, claim that the student was last seen searching for the FIAP cat. Popular theory is that this search is the reason why they never boarded the charter bus to the airport.
Communication with the lost freshman (further referred to as “Kevin, Jr.,” or “KJ” for short, to protect anonymity) has been rocky at best, considering that they did not opt to purchase an international phone plan. Instead, the main modes of communication are Instagram DMs and Centenary’s favorite, GroupMe. Friends of KJ claim that any attempts at Instagram direct messaging result in a noncommittal "like" response rather than any details.
“I mean, I understand [KJ] is stuck in another country right now, but, like, liking a message is a total cop-out; we all know this,” freshman Izzy Molina attests. “Plus, they keep sending cryptic GIFs in the GroupMe chat instead of just, you know, responding with words.”
KJ’s parents have been contacted, according to school officials. They are, understandably, concerned about their child’s well-being. They are also concerned about how Kevin, Jr., has already maxed out their credit card, despite only being in Paris on their own for less than a week at the time of writing.
“Well, [KJ] has always had a taste for luxury, but did they seriously have to eat at a restaurant in the Eiffel Tower?” Kevin Jr.’s mother stated when pressed for comment.
“Yeah, and they keep just liking our Instagram DMs asking about their safety. Total social faux pas,” their father chimed in.
Yes, it seems that KJ has “gone full Home Alone” in response to being left to their own devices in a big city, as experts in the field have weighed in. The same experts are a bit puzzled at a legal adult exhibiting behavior previously only seen in those under 12 but have come to the conclusion that the disorientation from the fever dream that is Orientation was further thrown off by the change in time zones for poor Kevin, Jr., leading to this abnormal response.
Spending an exorbitant amount of money is not where KJ’s similarities to fictional darling Kevin McAllister end, though. In the past two days, actual messages have been received from the wayward student (rather than the cagey Instagram likes and bizarre GIFs), and these messages have been revealing.
All messages received from KJ are written in an unnatural blend of French and English, but Centenary’s French Club, La Légion Louisianaise (home of Skeetér, Skeeter’s French second cousin), has thankfully volunteered to help decode the strange messages. The now-translated messages reveal that our missing student seems to be involved in a vigilante slapstick scheme.
Kevin, Jr., has allegedly tracked down a secret ring of French pickpockets and gone through truly concerning lengths to boobytrap their hideout, which KJ claims is in an unexplored part of the famed Paris Catacombs. Through what methods KJ found this hideout is still unknown.
The translated messages indicate that our missing freshman has set up elaborate traps made of FIAP freebies, escargot shells, and other Parisian paraphernalia. Blurry images show what indeed appears to be a desolate area of the Catacombs with some old furniture and a large sign with text that translates roughly to, “The Super Hangout of Very Cool Pickpockets!!!!” Later images show the same space but covered in what can only be described as Rube Goldberg machine-esque traps with a thumbs up stuck out from whoever took the picture.
Local authorities have been anonymously tipped off about the plot. The Parisian police have declined to comment at this time. I imagine if they had commented, they would’ve said something like, “Another American student lost in our catacombs? Typical. There are many of them down there, like rats, setting up their intricate schemes, like smart rats.” But that’s just my approximation.
When asked for their motives for such an ambitious venture, KJ simply replied, “[It’s] revenge. For Monsieur Mark Miller.” Dean Miller has not spoken out on this subject due to being glued to his phone for damage control, but when I alerted him to this development, I saw a single tear come to his eye before he darted away to another meeting.
Since this situation involves criminal activity, Centenary DPS has been contacted for comment. Head of DPS and Captain of the Electric Scooter team, Chief Eddie, was quoted as saying “Uhhhh, I don’t know what you guys expect me to do. I’ve never even seen Home Alone.” He later amended, “I mean Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Of course I’ve seen Home Alone. Macaulay Culkin is a national treasure; what a little scamp!”
Further developments involving KJ and their vigilante scheme will be reported on, considering this is the most interesting thing to happen at Centenary since the caf reinstated the ice cream machine. For now, it seems that Kevin, Jr., is intent on first finishing their mission before returning to the states. I, for one, hope they choose to present their experience at the 2023 Research Conference under the recently added “Escapades, Hijinks, and General Tomfoolery” category.
